Saeed Ahmadi
Table of Contents
With nearly eight billion people in the world, there are so many different personalities, preferences, conflict responses, and life experiences. With these many variables, there are bound to be instances of disagreements and struggles in all kinds of relationships.
Healthcare professionals like those studying FNP programs online will likely come into contact with many of these sorts of interactions throughout their professional tenure, as the stresses of medical emergencies can often send tensions soaring. Although it’s not always intense or extraordinary circumstances that bring hard times on, sometimes these things just come out of nowhere.
Some of the strongest interpersonal connections, like romantic relationships, can also draw the heaviest conflicts, and sometimes differing perspectives and thought processes can inflict chronic fighting, emotional or physical distance, and more.
When these kinds of persisting issues plague a relationship, sometimes couples opt for couples counseling, where they may soon become familiar with The Gottman Method.
Where Does the Gottman Method Come From?
The Gottman Method began as a study into the occurrence of behavioral patterns that could be categorized as observational data.
The theory originated in the 1970s by Dr. John Gottman, stating that if behavioral patterns were established in the data those patterns could be used to analyze the overall happiness of couples in a relationship.
The research began with establishing the analytical tools that would be used in the study. Although at the time the psychology industry by and large discouraged studying couples, Dr Gottman proved that there was stable data to be gained from the interactions of people in romantic relationships.
In 1975 Gottman began collaborating with Dr Robert Levenson, combining several key psychological understandings to formulate a blueprint of people’s emotional processes during conflict.
In 1994, Dr. Gottman began to work with his wife Dr. Julie Schartz Gottman on the Gottman method, and two years later they founded the Gottman Institute to bring the Gottman Method to the world.
What is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method was founded on the principle that negativity has a significant impact on a person’s mental state and that when this negativity is left unaddressed it causes relationship-ending conflict and toxic dynamics.
The Gottman Method is based on utilizing nine behavioral practices, which Gottman refers to as the ‘Sound Relationship House’, to counteract what he refers to as the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ — a metaphor describing four communication styles that, according to research, can predict the end of a relationship.
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
The following are the behaviors that, when performed regularly and left unaddressed, lead to dysfunctional and harmful relationships — potentially ending them.
Criticism
Criticism is the act of accusing or placing blame for a certain action or inaction within your partner, instead of acknowledging the emotional repercussions of that action or inaction within yourself and making a request for change. Criticism is about laying blame and fault.
Criticism says “You didn’t do the dishes,” in an aggressive, often frustrated manner. Instead, it can be better to say “I’m feeling really overwhelmed, would you be able to help me by doing the dishes?”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a style of communication, where someone (often unconsciously) seeks to defend themselves from blame, hurt, or a perceived sense of “failure.” It is often triggered by criticism and can lead to a vicious cycle of back-and-forth, where no one in the relationship is taking accountability, and no one is being honest about their feelings or needs, leading to ever-continuing anger and communication breakdowns.
Contempt
Contempt is unique in that it is a chronic, ongoing feeling. While criticism and defensiveness are more likely to occur at the moment, an underlying feeling of contempt can be damaging in many ways over a long period of time.
Contempt is the feeling of disdain or disgust with your partner and can come out in many small, often insulting ways. It is a sense of being “fed up” with your partner’s needs, wants, or idiosyncrasies, and, when unchecked, it can be incredibly toxic.
Stonewalling
The final horseman of the apocalypse is stonewalling, that is the act of shutting out or ignoring a partner during the conflict.
When a couple stonewalls each other, it is an act of the previous three horsemen combined, criticizing their attempt to communicate, defending themselves from ongoing hurt, and expressing abject exasperation with their partner. Stonewalling kills communication, which breeds contempt and leaves issues unresolved.
The Sound Relationship House
The following nine practices are key to the Gottman Method, and according to Gottman’s research, are key to establishing a healthy, strong, mutually beneficial relationship.
Love Maps
A “love map” refers to the part of you that keeps track of your partner’s emotional and mental world. What stresses them, what is important to them, how do they receive communication, what triggers traumatic memories?
Fondness and Admiration
A focus on what you appreciate about your partner and what it is that draws you to them is an active component of a relationship, reminding both members of the couple why they love one another and providing an antidote for contempt.
Turning Towards Instead of Away
The antidote to stonewalling. This part of the sound house encourages open communication and mutual vulnerability.
Positivity
Remaining positive and active in the face of relationship changes is imperative to the success of the relationship’s development, growth, and reciprocal love.
Conflict Management
Gottman’s research showed that around 69% of couples’ problems are never solved, due to inherent differences in personality. However, Gottman proposes that conflict should not be eradicated, as it can be beneficial to a relationship. Where problems that can be fixed should definitely be, Gottman says most conflict merely needs to be managed long term.
The Pursuit of Life Dreams
Expression is intrinsic to a healthy relationship, and having an atmosphere where people can communicate honestly about dreams, hopes, aspirations, and values, is integral to mutual respect, love, and the building of love maps.
Shared Meaning
Understanding that much socially accepted “knowledge” on relationships won’t always apply to you, and for the relationship to create its own narrative as a result of the dynamics of the couple.
Trust
The knowledge of each person in the couple is that the other will think and act in the best interest of their partner.
Commitment
Possibly the heart of any good relationship is a commitment to be there for one another, through thick and thin, through hard times and good times.
The Gottman Method works by applying the above ideas to a relationship as a framework for healthy communication and dedication to one another.
It is just one method that couples can use to tackle their relationship problems head-on — or even just build on an already healthy relationship. If you feel like you need some extra guidance in your relationship, don’t hesitate to seek the help of a professional.
